I'm eating all of the evidence.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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