The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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