Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
