I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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