my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
