She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
