Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
