I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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