I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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