I met the friendliest cop last night
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
