Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
