Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
