Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
