I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
