My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
