What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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