dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
