I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
