your parents love me but you hate me
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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