He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I faked an abortion last night.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
