ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
