She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
