Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
