break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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