Jerry, you need to find god
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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