Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
