I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
