Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
