Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
