How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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