You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
