I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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