I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
handjob tips. give me some.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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