using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
