haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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