I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Randomize
