the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
