I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Someone came in the potted fern
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
