New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
