i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
They should really pass out barf bags in church
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
