Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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