I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All the doctor said was why
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
