I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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