I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
