dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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