i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
