Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
