eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I think my fart just growled at me.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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