Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
