Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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