Say something about gay babies.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
