I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just found a bag of teeth...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
