looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
